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Jokes module redone, jokes are now included.

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Storm Dragon 2020-08-21 15:39:01 -04:00
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commit 95eb4d010c
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modules/joke/joke.sh
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@ -1,5 +1,239 @@
[ -f functions.sh ] && source functions.sh [[ -f functions.sh ]] && source functions.sh
joke="$(curl -s --connect-timeout 5 'https://thatsagooden.tk/?api=txt&type=all&exclude=sex,little_johnny')" # Find the last line of the script.
joke="${joke//[[:space:]]/ }" lastLine="$(grep -n '^exit 0' $0)"
[ -n "$joke" ] && msg "$2" "$joke" || msg "$2" "No jokes found." # Convert lastLine to a number andd increment it by 1.
lastLine=${lastLine%%:*}
lastLine=$((lastLine + 1))
# display a line from the end of the file after the script
msg "$2" "$(tail +${lastLine} "$0" | sed '/^$/d' | shuf -n1)":
# Put jokes after the exit, one per line.
exit 0
Q: How many rabbits does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two very small ones.
Q: What is the hardest part about sky diving? A: The ground.
Q: What does a leper say before he farts? A: I don't know, but probably not 'pull my finger'.
Q: What did Mrs. Clause say to Santa during the thunderstorm? A: "Come and see the rain deer."
Q: Why didn't the number 4 get into the nightclub? A: Because he is 2 square
Q: What is Napoleon's favorite part of a chicken? A: The Boney-Part!
Q: What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? A: Oh sheet!
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? A: Because his wife died!
Q: When are holes beautiful? A: When they're gorges!
Q: Did you hear about the man with the broken left arm and leg? A: he's alright now.
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? A: Snowballs.
Q: What was the name of the gay dinosaur species? A: Gotasoreass.
Q: What was the name of the lesbian dinosaur species? A: Lickalotopus.
Q: How do fish get high? A: Seaweed.
Q: What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
Q: Why are fish easy to weigh? A: Because they have their own scales.
Q: What do you do if a heard of elephants are coming toward you? A: Swim like hell!
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
Q: What did the pony say when he had a sore throat? Q: I'm a little hoarse.
Q: What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? A: It gets toad.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? A: Elephino.
Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion? A: A piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye.
Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk? A: A fowl smell!
Q: What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a waterhose? A: Hare spray.
Q: Why did the ants dance on the jar of jam? A: The lid said, "Twist to open"!
Q: Why did the pig leave the costume party? A: Because everyone thought he was a boar.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes? A: No eye deer. Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? A: Still no eye deer. Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no dick? A: Still no fucking eye deer!
Q: What do you give a deaf fisherman? A: A herring aid.
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth? A: A gummy bear.
Q: Why do mice have such small balls? A: Because not many of them know how to dance.
Q: How do you count cows? A: With a cowculator.
Q: What do u call a seagull flying over the bay? A: A bagel.
Q: What do you call a cow with two legs? A: Lean beef.
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground beef.
Q: What kind of puppy doesn't bark? A: A hush puppy.
Q: What kind of bees produce milk? A: Boobies!
Q: Where do you get virgin wool? A: From ugly sheep.
Q: Why is gambling illegal in Africa? A: Because there are too many cheetahs!
Q: What does a straight rooster say? A: Cock a doodle doo! Q: What does a backwards rooster say? A: !ood eldood a kcoC Q: What does a gay rooster say? A: Any cock'll doo!
Q: Why is the barn so noisy? A: Because the cows have horns.
Q: Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs? A: Because the cow has the utter!
Q: Did you hear about the drunk frog? A: He barley hops!
Q: What do you call it when you feed dynamite to a cow? A: Abominable!
Q: What do you call a cow that eats your grass? A: A lawn mooer.
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes? A: A fsh.
Q: What do you call a cow that just gave birth? A: Decalfeinated!
Q: What did the cow say to her calf? A: It's pasture bedtime.
Q: What do you call a famous fish? A: A starfish!
Q: How do astronomers organize a party? A: They planet.
Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? A: It's okay. He woke up.
Q: Which three great kings make people most happy? A: Drinking, smoking, and fucking!
Q: Why is a river rich? A: It has banks on both sides!
Q: Why was six scared of seven? A: Because seven is a registered six offender.
Q: Why was ten scared of seven? A: Because seven ate nine.
Q: What is Mozart doing right now? A: Decomposing.
Q: How do trees access the internet? A: They log in.
Q: What do computers eat? A: Microchips!
Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? A: Juan on Juan.
A: Why is a tomato red? Q: It saw the salad dressing.
Q: How do you make holy water? A: Boil the hell out of it.
Q: What kind of car does Jesus drive? A: A Christler.
Q: If April showers bring may flowers, what do mayflowers bring? A: Pilgrims.
Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? A: He wiped his ass.
Q: Why did the scarecrow get promoted? A: Because he was outstanding in his field.
Q: What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? A: Bernadette.
Q: Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? A: He pasta way.
Q: What do cars eat on their toast? A: Traffic jam.
Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? A: Because then it'd be a foot!
Q: How do you make a witch itch? A: Take away her "w".
Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A: Anyone can roast beef but nobody can pee soup!
Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? A: Because it's pointless!
Q: On what kind of ships do students study? A: Scholarships.
Q: What is the longest word in the English language? A: Smiles, there is a mile between the first and last letters.
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? A: He was looking for Pooh!
Q: How is a joke like sex? Q: Neither is any good if you don't get it.
Q: Why did they have to bury George Washington standing up? A: Because he could never lie.
Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock? A: It went back for seconds.
Q: What's the importance of punctuation? A: You can either help your uncle, Jack, off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse.
Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? A: Doughnuts!
Q: What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? A: Your job still sucks!
Q: Did you hear about the guy who drank eight Cokes? A: He burped seven up.
Q: What is crazy and walks along the sides of buildings? A: A walnut!
Q: What do you call a piece of cheese that isn't yours? A: Nacho cheese!
Q: What's the difference between a pygmy tribe and a high school girls track team? A: The pygmy tribe is a bunch of cunning little runts.
Q: What's the difference in a refrigerator and a gay man? A: The refrigerator doesn't fart when the meat comes out.
Q: How do you fit four gays on a barstool? A: turn it upside down.
Q: What do you call a gay cowboy? A: A jolly rancher!
Q: Why did the man take toilet paper to the party? A: Because he was a party pooper!
Q: What do get if you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite!
Q: What's long and hard and has cum in it? A: a cucumber.
Q: What city are you in when you drop your waffle on the beach? A: Sandy Eggo!
Q: Why did the skeleton go to the funeral alone? A: Because he couldn't find anybody to go with him.
Q: Why did the condom fly across the room? A: Because it was pissed off.
Q: What do you call a wandering caveman? A: A meanderthal!
Q: What do you call a man that has no shins? A: Tony!
Q: What happens when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A: A minor B-flat!
Q: How do you fix a broken tuba? A: With a tuba glue!
Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky? A: Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken!
Q: Where do pencils come from? A: Pencilvania.
Q: Why did the kid throw butter out the window? A: To see the butter fly!
Q: What did the psychiatrist say to the naked man who burst into his office? A: "Sir! I can clearly see your nuts"!
Q: Why were the Indians here first? A: They had reservations.
Q: Where did the general keep his armies? A: In his sleevies!
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q: What does a pirate pay for his corn? A: A buccaneer!
Q: Why are pirates called pirates? A: Because they arrr!
Q: Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie? A: Because it was rated arrr!
Q: What's the biggest pencil in the world? A: Pennsylvania.
Q: Why did the boy go out with a prune? A: Because he couldn't find a date.
Q: What do you call a cake made out of hamburgers? A: A patty cake!
Q: What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A: A tear jerker!
Q: What do you call a girl with one leg? A: Eileen!
Q: What do you call a noodle in disguise? A: An impasta!
Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? A: Fo' drizzle!
Q: What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? A: I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.
Q: How is sex like bungee jumping? A: If the rubber breaks, you're screwed!
Q: Why did the house go to the doctor? A: It was having window panes.
Q: What are the best kind of letters to read in hot weather? A: Fan mail.
Q: What do you get when you cross a poppy with electricity? A: Flower power.
Q: Why do men masturbate? A: It's sex with someone they love.
Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild? A: a $100 bill!
Q: How do you kill a circus clown? A: Go for the juggler!
Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision? A: a rip off!
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A: At least a zit waits until you're a teenager before it cums on your face!
Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde? A: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!
Q: What do you call an afghan virgin? A: Mever bin laid on.
Q: What's the difference between being hungry and horny? A: Where you put the cucumber.
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A: Slow down! And possibly use a lubricant.
Q: What did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line? A: I'm the wiener!
Q: Why do shoemakers go to heaven? A: Because they have good soles.
Q: Why do little melons have to have big weddings? A: Because they cantelope.
Confucius say, "Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
Confucius say, "Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk."
Confucius say, "Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse."
Confucius say, "Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father."
Confucius say, "Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night."
Confucius say, "Man who run behind car get exhausted."
Confucius say, "It take many nails to build crib but only one screw to fill it."
Confucius say, "Man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs."
Confucius say, "Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky finger."
Confucius say, "Man who fart in church sit in own pew."
Confucius say, "He who eats too many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."
Confucius say, "Elevator smell different to a midget."
Confucius say, "Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house."
Confucius say too damn much.
Confucius say, "Man who enter plain sideways going to Bangkok"
Confucius say, "Man who stand on toilet get high on pot."
Confucius say, "Man who try to out run car get tired."
Confucius say, "Man who learn to masturbate come in handy."
Confucius say, "Man with hand in pants feel cocky."
Confucius say, "Wise man does not play leapfrog with unicorn."
Confucius say, "Man who pee through screen strain himself."
Confucius say, "Foolish man give wife grand piano for anaversary, wise man give her upright organ!"
Confucius say, "Secratary not permanant fixture until screwed on desk."
Confucius say, "Man with hole in pocket feel nuts."
Confucius say, "Woman who fly upside down have hairy crack up."
Confucius say, "Man who drinks to steady nerves, may find self too steady to move."
Confucius say, "School boy who mess around with school girl in wrong period get caught red-handed."
Confucius say, "Man who go to bed with hard problem wake up with solution in hand."
Confucius say, "Bird born with no beak born to suck seed."
Confucius say, "Panties not best thing on earth but next to it."
Confucius say, "Meet girl in park good. Park meat in girl better!"
Confucius say, "Virginity like bubble: one prick, all gone."
Confucius say, "Eat crackers in bed, crummy night ahead."
Confucius say, "Passionate kiss like spider web. It soon lead to the undoing of the fly."
Confucius say, "Man stare at ass get crack in face."
Confucius say, "He who eat jellybeans fart in Technicolor."
Confucius say, "Woman sit on mans lap in car soon get hotrod."
Confucius say, "Man who keep feet firmly planted on ground have trouble putting on pants."
Confucius say, "Man who sits under tree is shady character."
Confucius say, "Man with one chopstick go hungry."
Confucius say, "He who drive like hell, likely to get there."
Confucius say, "Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement."
Confucius say, "Man who sit on tack get point."
Confucius say, "Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion."
Confucius say, "Man who only think of number one must remember that it is next to nothing."
Confucius say, "Woman who put detergent on top shelf soon jump for Joy."
Confucius say, "Man who sleep on bed of nails is holy man."
Confucius say, "Get up on wrong side of bed lead to downfall."
Confucius say, "Turn oriental around and he will become disorientated."
Confucius say, "Find blind man on nude beach not hard."
Confucius say, "Sex like basketball, man dribble before he shoot."
Confucius say, "Man who sit on hot stove soon rise again."
Confucius say, "Man who smoke pot choke on handle."
Confucius say, "Man who wear short sleeve shirt support right to bare arms."
Confucius say, "Man who wants to make headlines should sleep on corduroy pillow."
Confucius say, "Naked man fear no pick pocket."
Confucius say, "Streaker unsuited for his work."
Confucius say, "To prevent hangover stay drunk."
Confucius say, "Man who crack Confucius joke speak bad English."
Confucius say, "Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self."
Confucius say, "Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time."
Confucius say, "Man sneeze without tissue take matter in own hands."
Confucius say, "Man who take laxative and sleeping pill on same night wake up in deep shit."
Confucius say, "A bird in hand make it hard to blow nose."
Confucius say, "House without toilet is uncanny."
Confucius say, "Man who scratch ass should not bite finger nails."
Confucius say, "Man who cook carrots and peas in same pot very unhygienic."
Confucius say, "Man who lay girl on hillside is not on the level."
Confucius say, "Dumb man climb tree to get cherry. Wise man spread limbs."
Confucius say, "Man who lay woman on ground get peace on earth."
Confucius say, "Woman laid in tomb may become mummy."
Confucius say, "Woman who slides down banister make monkey shine".
Confucius say, "Girl who ride bicycle peddle ass all over town."
Confucius say, "Girl sit on lap of colonel get honourable discharge."
Confucius say, "Man kiss epileptic woman soon become tongue tied."
Confucius say, "Man who cut self while shaving, lose face."
Confucius say, "Man who put cream in tart not always baker."
Confucius say, "Man who read woman like book prefer Braille."
Confucius say, "Man who sleep like baby does not have one."
Confucius say, "Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs."
Confucius say, "Woman who wear g-string high on crack."
Confucius say, "Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache."
Confucius say, "Man like brick. If properly layed he will stay forever."
Confucius say, "Man who beat meat no eat vegetable."
Confucius say, "Man who use vinegger for enema make strange pickles."
Confucius say, "woman who make love in treehouse put ass out on limb."
Confucius say, "Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner."
Confucius say, "All men eat, but Fu Manchu."
Confucius say, "Man in bathroom with tool in hand is not necessarily a plumber."
Confucius say, "Woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring next spring."
Confucius say, "A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird."
Confucius say, "Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom."
Confucius say, "Man who shoot blanks always miss mark."
Confucius say, "Man who not poop for many days must take care of backlog."
Confucius say, "With great power come great electricity bill."