From 95eb4d010ce1e983849b6026e4af2deb787b4d36 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Storm Dragon Date: Fri, 21 Aug 2020 15:39:01 -0400 Subject: [PATCH] Jokes module redone, jokes are now included. --- modules/joke/joke.sh | 242 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++- 1 file changed, 238 insertions(+), 4 deletions(-) diff --git a/modules/joke/joke.sh b/modules/joke/joke.sh index 5d5c681..0da4c99 100755 --- a/modules/joke/joke.sh +++ b/modules/joke/joke.sh @@ -1,5 +1,239 @@ -[ -f functions.sh ] && source functions.sh +[[ -f functions.sh ]] && source functions.sh -joke="$(curl -s --connect-timeout 5 'https://thatsagooden.tk/?api=txt&type=all&exclude=sex,little_johnny')" -joke="${joke//[[:space:]]/ }" -[ -n "$joke" ] && msg "$2" "$joke" || msg "$2" "No jokes found." +# Find the last line of the script. +lastLine="$(grep -n '^exit 0' $0)" +# Convert lastLine to a number andd increment it by 1. +lastLine=${lastLine%%:*} +lastLine=$((lastLine + 1)) +# display a line from the end of the file after the script +msg "$2" "$(tail +${lastLine} "$0" | sed '/^$/d' | shuf -n1)": + +# Put jokes after the exit, one per line. +exit 0 + +Q: How many rabbits does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two very small ones. +Q: What is the hardest part about sky diving? A: The ground. +Q: What does a leper say before he farts? A: I don't know, but probably not 'pull my finger'. +Q: What did Mrs. Clause say to Santa during the thunderstorm? A: "Come and see the rain deer." +Q: Why didn't the number 4 get into the nightclub? A: Because he is 2 square +Q: What is Napoleon's favorite part of a chicken? A: The Boney-Part! +Q: What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? A: Oh sheet! +Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? A: Because his wife died! +Q: When are holes beautiful? A: When they're gorges! +Q: Did you hear about the man with the broken left arm and leg? A: he's alright now. +Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? A: Snowballs. +Q: What was the name of the gay dinosaur species? A: Gotasoreass. +Q: What was the name of the lesbian dinosaur species? A: Lickalotopus. +Q: How do fish get high? A: Seaweed. +Q: What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause. +Q: Why are fish easy to weigh? A: Because they have their own scales. +Q: What do you do if a heard of elephants are coming toward you? A: Swim like hell! +Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump. +Q: What did the pony say when he had a sore throat? Q: I'm a little hoarse. +Q: What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? A: It gets toad. +Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? A: Elephino. +Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion? A: A piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye. +Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk? A: A fowl smell! +Q: What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a waterhose? A: Hare spray. +Q: Why did the ants dance on the jar of jam? A: The lid said, "Twist to open"! +Q: Why did the pig leave the costume party? A: Because everyone thought he was a boar. +Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes? A: No eye deer. Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? A: Still no eye deer. Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no dick? A: Still no fucking eye deer! +Q: What do you give a deaf fisherman? A: A herring aid. +Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth? A: A gummy bear. +Q: Why do mice have such small balls? A: Because not many of them know how to dance. +Q: How do you count cows? A: With a cowculator. +Q: What do u call a seagull flying over the bay? A: A bagel. +Q: What do you call a cow with two legs? A: Lean beef. +Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground beef. +Q: What kind of puppy doesn't bark? A: A hush puppy. +Q: What kind of bees produce milk? A: Boobies! +Q: Where do you get virgin wool? A: From ugly sheep. +Q: Why is gambling illegal in Africa? A: Because there are too many cheetahs! +Q: What does a straight rooster say? A: Cock a doodle doo! Q: What does a backwards rooster say? A: !ood eldood a kcoC Q: What does a gay rooster say? A: Any cock'll doo! +Q: Why is the barn so noisy? A: Because the cows have horns. +Q: Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs? A: Because the cow has the utter! +Q: Did you hear about the drunk frog? A: He barley hops! +Q: What do you call it when you feed dynamite to a cow? A: Abominable! +Q: What do you call a cow that eats your grass? A: A lawn mooer. +Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes? A: A fsh. +Q: What do you call a cow that just gave birth? A: Decalfeinated! +Q: What did the cow say to her calf? A: It's pasture bedtime. +Q: What do you call a famous fish? A: A starfish! +Q: How do astronomers organize a party? A: They planet. +Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? A: It's okay. He woke up. +Q: Which three great kings make people most happy? A: Drinking, smoking, and fucking! +Q: Why is a river rich? A: It has banks on both sides! +Q: Why was six scared of seven? A: Because seven is a registered six offender. +Q: Why was ten scared of seven? A: Because seven ate nine. +Q: What is Mozart doing right now? A: Decomposing. +Q: How do trees access the internet? A: They log in. +Q: What do computers eat? A: Microchips! +Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? A: Juan on Juan. +A: Why is a tomato red? Q: It saw the salad dressing. +Q: How do you make holy water? A: Boil the hell out of it. +Q: What kind of car does Jesus drive? A: A Christler. +Q: If April showers bring may flowers, what do mayflowers bring? A: Pilgrims. +Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? A: He wiped his ass. +Q: Why did the scarecrow get promoted? A: Because he was outstanding in his field. +Q: What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? A: Bernadette. +Q: Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? A: He pasta way. +Q: What do cars eat on their toast? A: Traffic jam. +Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? A: Because then it'd be a foot! +Q: How do you make a witch itch? A: Take away her "w". +Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A: Anyone can roast beef but nobody can pee soup! +Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? A: Because it's pointless! +Q: On what kind of ships do students study? A: Scholarships. +Q: What is the longest word in the English language? A: Smiles, there is a mile between the first and last letters. +Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? A: He was looking for Pooh! +Q: How is a joke like sex? Q: Neither is any good if you don't get it. +Q: Why did they have to bury George Washington standing up? A: Because he could never lie. +Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock? A: It went back for seconds. +Q: What's the importance of punctuation? A: You can either help your uncle, Jack, off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse. +Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? A: Doughnuts! +Q: What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? A: Your job still sucks! +Q: Did you hear about the guy who drank eight Cokes? A: He burped seven up. +Q: What is crazy and walks along the sides of buildings? A: A walnut! +Q: What do you call a piece of cheese that isn't yours? A: Nacho cheese! +Q: What's the difference between a pygmy tribe and a high school girls track team? A: The pygmy tribe is a bunch of cunning little runts. +Q: What's the difference in a refrigerator and a gay man? A: The refrigerator doesn't fart when the meat comes out. +Q: How do you fit four gays on a barstool? A: turn it upside down. +Q: What do you call a gay cowboy? A: A jolly rancher! +Q: Why did the man take toilet paper to the party? A: Because he was a party pooper! +Q: What do get if you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite! +Q: What's long and hard and has cum in it? A: a cucumber. +Q: What city are you in when you drop your waffle on the beach? A: Sandy Eggo! +Q: Why did the skeleton go to the funeral alone? A: Because he couldn't find anybody to go with him. +Q: Why did the condom fly across the room? A: Because it was pissed off. +Q: What do you call a wandering caveman? A: A meanderthal! +Q: What do you call a man that has no shins? A: Tony! +Q: What happens when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A: A minor B-flat! +Q: How do you fix a broken tuba? A: With a tuba glue! +Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky? A: Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken! +Q: Where do pencils come from? A: Pencilvania. +Q: Why did the kid throw butter out the window? A: To see the butter fly! +Q: What did the psychiatrist say to the naked man who burst into his office? A: "Sir! I can clearly see your nuts"! +Q: Why were the Indians here first? A: They had reservations. +Q: Where did the general keep his armies? A: In his sleevies! +Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. +Q: What does a pirate pay for his corn? A: A buccaneer! +Q: Why are pirates called pirates? A: Because they arrr! +Q: Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie? A: Because it was rated arrr! +Q: What's the biggest pencil in the world? A: Pennsylvania. +Q: Why did the boy go out with a prune? A: Because he couldn't find a date. +Q: What do you call a cake made out of hamburgers? A: A patty cake! +Q: What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A: A tear jerker! +Q: What do you call a girl with one leg? A: Eileen! +Q: What do you call a noodle in disguise? A: An impasta! +Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? A: Fo' drizzle! +Q: What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? A: I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face. +Q: How is sex like bungee jumping? A: If the rubber breaks, you're screwed! +Q: Why did the house go to the doctor? A: It was having window panes. +Q: What are the best kind of letters to read in hot weather? A: Fan mail. +Q: What do you get when you cross a poppy with electricity? A: Flower power. +Q: Why do men masturbate? A: It's sex with someone they love. +Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild? A: a $100 bill! +Q: How do you kill a circus clown? A: Go for the juggler! +Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision? A: a rip off! +Q: What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A: At least a zit waits until you're a teenager before it cums on your face! +Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde? A: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball! +Q: What do you call an afghan virgin? A: Mever bin laid on. +Q: What's the difference between being hungry and horny? A: Where you put the cucumber. +Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A: Slow down! And possibly use a lubricant. +Q: What did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line? A: I'm the wiener! +Q: Why do shoemakers go to heaven? A: Because they have good soles. +Q: Why do little melons have to have big weddings? A: Because they cantelope. +Confucius say, "Man who eat many prunes get good run for money." +Confucius say, "Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk." +Confucius say, "Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse." +Confucius say, "Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father." +Confucius say, "Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night." +Confucius say, "Man who run behind car get exhausted." +Confucius say, "It take many nails to build crib but only one screw to fill it." +Confucius say, "Man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs." +Confucius say, "Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky finger." +Confucius say, "Man who fart in church sit in own pew." +Confucius say, "He who eats too many prunes, sit on toilet many moons." +Confucius say, "Elevator smell different to a midget." +Confucius say, "Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house." +Confucius say too damn much. +Confucius say, "Man who enter plain sideways going to Bangkok" +Confucius say, "Man who stand on toilet get high on pot." +Confucius say, "Man who try to out run car get tired." +Confucius say, "Man who learn to masturbate come in handy." +Confucius say, "Man with hand in pants feel cocky." +Confucius say, "Wise man does not play leapfrog with unicorn." +Confucius say, "Man who pee through screen strain himself." +Confucius say, "Foolish man give wife grand piano for anaversary, wise man give her upright organ!" +Confucius say, "Secratary not permanant fixture until screwed on desk." +Confucius say, "Man with hole in pocket feel nuts." +Confucius say, "Woman who fly upside down have hairy crack up." +Confucius say, "Man who drinks to steady nerves, may find self too steady to move." +Confucius say, "School boy who mess around with school girl in wrong period get caught red-handed." +Confucius say, "Man who go to bed with hard problem wake up with solution in hand." +Confucius say, "Bird born with no beak born to suck seed." +Confucius say, "Panties not best thing on earth but next to it." +Confucius say, "Meet girl in park good. Park meat in girl better!" +Confucius say, "Virginity like bubble: one prick, all gone." +Confucius say, "Eat crackers in bed, crummy night ahead." +Confucius say, "Passionate kiss like spider web. It soon lead to the undoing of the fly." +Confucius say, "Man stare at ass get crack in face." +Confucius say, "He who eat jellybeans fart in Technicolor." +Confucius say, "Woman sit on mans lap in car soon get hotrod." +Confucius say, "Man who keep feet firmly planted on ground have trouble putting on pants." +Confucius say, "Man who sits under tree is shady character." +Confucius say, "Man with one chopstick go hungry." +Confucius say, "He who drive like hell, likely to get there." +Confucius say, "Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement." +Confucius say, "Man who sit on tack get point." +Confucius say, "Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion." +Confucius say, "Man who only think of number one must remember that it is next to nothing." +Confucius say, "Woman who put detergent on top shelf soon jump for Joy." +Confucius say, "Man who sleep on bed of nails is holy man." +Confucius say, "Get up on wrong side of bed lead to downfall." +Confucius say, "Turn oriental around and he will become disorientated." +Confucius say, "Find blind man on nude beach not hard." +Confucius say, "Sex like basketball, man dribble before he shoot." +Confucius say, "Man who sit on hot stove soon rise again." +Confucius say, "Man who smoke pot choke on handle." +Confucius say, "Man who wear short sleeve shirt support right to bare arms." +Confucius say, "Man who wants to make headlines should sleep on corduroy pillow." +Confucius say, "Naked man fear no pick pocket." +Confucius say, "Streaker unsuited for his work." +Confucius say, "To prevent hangover stay drunk." +Confucius say, "Man who crack Confucius joke speak bad English." +Confucius say, "Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self." +Confucius say, "Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time." +Confucius say, "Man sneeze without tissue take matter in own hands." +Confucius say, "Man who take laxative and sleeping pill on same night wake up in deep shit." +Confucius say, "A bird in hand make it hard to blow nose." +Confucius say, "House without toilet is uncanny." +Confucius say, "Man who scratch ass should not bite finger nails." +Confucius say, "Man who cook carrots and peas in same pot very unhygienic." +Confucius say, "Man who lay girl on hillside is not on the level." +Confucius say, "Dumb man climb tree to get cherry. Wise man spread limbs." +Confucius say, "Man who lay woman on ground get peace on earth." +Confucius say, "Woman laid in tomb may become mummy." +Confucius say, "Woman who slides down banister make monkey shine". +Confucius say, "Girl who ride bicycle peddle ass all over town." +Confucius say, "Girl sit on lap of colonel get honourable discharge." +Confucius say, "Man kiss epileptic woman soon become tongue tied." +Confucius say, "Man who cut self while shaving, lose face." +Confucius say, "Man who put cream in tart not always baker." +Confucius say, "Man who read woman like book prefer Braille." +Confucius say, "Man who sleep like baby does not have one." +Confucius say, "Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs." +Confucius say, "Woman who wear g-string high on crack." +Confucius say, "Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache." +Confucius say, "Man like brick. If properly layed he will stay forever." +Confucius say, "Man who beat meat no eat vegetable." +Confucius say, "Man who use vinegger for enema make strange pickles." +Confucius say, "woman who make love in treehouse put ass out on limb." +Confucius say, "Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner." +Confucius say, "All men eat, but Fu Manchu." +Confucius say, "Man in bathroom with tool in hand is not necessarily a plumber." +Confucius say, "Woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring next spring." +Confucius say, "A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird." +Confucius say, "Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom." +Confucius say, "Man who shoot blanks always miss mark." +Confucius say, "Man who not poop for many days must take care of backlog." +Confucius say, "With great power come great electricity bill."