Jokes module redone, jokes are now included.

modules/joke/joke.sh

@@ -1,5 +1,239 @@
-[ -f functions.sh ] && source functions.sh
+[[ -f functions.sh ]] && source functions.sh
 
-joke="$(curl -s --connect-timeout 5 'https://thatsagooden.tk/?api=txt&type=all&exclude=sex,little_johnny')"
-joke="${joke//[[:space:]]/ }"
-[ -n "$joke" ] && msg "$2" "$joke" || msg "$2" "No jokes found."
+# Find the last line of the script.
+lastLine="$(grep -n '^exit 0' $0)"
+# Convert lastLine to a number andd increment it by 1.
+lastLine=${lastLine%%:*}
+lastLine=$((lastLine + 1))
+# display a line from the end of the file after the script
+msg "$2" "$(tail +${lastLine} "$0" | sed '/^$/d' | shuf -n1)":
+
+# Put jokes after the exit, one per line.
+exit 0
+
+Q: How many rabbits does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  A: Two very small ones.
+Q: What is the hardest part about sky diving?  A: The ground.
+Q: What does a leper say before he farts?  A: I don't know, but probably not 'pull my finger'.
+Q: What did Mrs. Clause say to Santa during the thunderstorm?  A: "Come and see the rain deer."
+Q: Why didn't the number 4 get into the nightclub?  A: Because he is 2 square
+Q: What is Napoleon's favorite part of a chicken?  A: The Boney-Part!
+Q: What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?  A: Oh sheet!
+Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?  A: Because his wife died!
+Q: When are holes beautiful?  A: When they're gorges!
+Q: Did you hear about the man with the broken left arm and leg?  A: he's alright now.
+Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?  A: Snowballs.
+Q: What was the name of the gay dinosaur species?  A: Gotasoreass.
+Q: What was the name of the lesbian dinosaur species?  A: Lickalotopus.
+Q: How do fish get high?  A: Seaweed.
+Q: What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?  A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
+Q: Why are fish easy to weigh?  A: Because they have their own scales.
+Q: What do you do if a heard of elephants are coming toward you?  A: Swim like hell!
+Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?  A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
+Q: What did the pony say when he had a sore throat?  Q: I'm a little hoarse.
+Q: What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?  A: It gets toad.
+Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?  A: Elephino.
+Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?  A: A piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye.
+Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk?  A: A fowl smell!
+Q: What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a waterhose?  A: Hare spray.
+Q: Why did the ants dance on the jar of jam?  A: The lid said, "Twist to open"!
+Q: Why did the pig leave the costume party?  A: Because everyone thought he was a boar.
+Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?  A: No eye deer.  Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?  A: Still no eye deer.  Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no dick?  A: Still no fucking eye deer!
+Q: What do you give a deaf fisherman?  A: A herring aid.
+Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?  A: A gummy bear.
+Q: Why do mice have such small balls?  A: Because not many of them know how to dance.
+Q: How do you count cows?  A: With a cowculator.
+Q: What do u call a seagull flying over the bay?  A: A bagel.
+Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?  A: Lean beef.
+Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?  A: Ground beef.
+Q: What kind of puppy doesn't bark?  A: A hush puppy.
+Q: What kind of bees produce milk?  A: Boobies!
+Q: Where do you get virgin wool?  A: From ugly sheep.
+Q: Why is gambling illegal in Africa?  A: Because there are too many cheetahs!
+Q: What does a straight rooster say?  A: Cock a doodle doo!  Q: What does a backwards rooster say?  A: !ood eldood a kcoC Q: What does a gay rooster say?  A: Any cock'll doo!
+Q: Why is the barn so noisy?  A: Because the cows have horns.
+Q: Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs?  A: Because the cow has the utter!
+Q: Did you hear about the drunk frog?  A: He barley hops!
+Q: What do you call it when you feed dynamite to a cow?  A: Abominable!
+Q: What do you call a cow that eats your grass?  A: A lawn mooer.
+Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?  A: A fsh.
+Q: What do you call a cow that just gave birth?  A: Decalfeinated!
+Q: What did the cow say to her calf?  A: It's pasture bedtime.
+Q: What do you call a famous fish?  A: A starfish!
+Q: How do astronomers organize a party?  A: They planet.
+Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?  A: It's okay. He woke up.
+Q: Which three great kings make people most happy?  A: Drinking, smoking, and fucking!
+Q: Why is a river rich?  A: It has banks on both sides!
+Q: Why was six scared of seven?  A: Because seven is a registered six offender.
+Q: Why was ten scared of seven?  A: Because seven ate nine.
+Q: What is Mozart doing right now?  A: Decomposing.
+Q: How do trees access the internet?  A: They log in.
+Q: What do computers eat?  A: Microchips!
+Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?  A: Juan on Juan.
+A: Why is a tomato red?  Q: It saw the salad dressing.
+Q: How do you make holy water?  A: Boil the hell out of it.
+Q: What kind of car does Jesus drive?  A: A Christler.
+Q: If April showers bring may flowers, what do mayflowers bring?  A: Pilgrims.
+Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?  A: He wiped his ass.
+Q: Why did the scarecrow get promoted?  A: Because he was outstanding in his field.
+Q: What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire?  A: Bernadette.
+Q: Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?  A: He pasta way.
+Q: What do cars eat on their toast?  A: Traffic jam.
+Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?  A: Because then it'd be a foot!
+Q: How do you make a witch itch?  A: Take away her "w".
+Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?  A: Anyone can roast beef but nobody can pee soup!
+Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?  A: Because it's pointless!
+Q: On what kind of ships do students study?  A: Scholarships.
+Q: What is the longest word in the English language?  A: Smiles, there is a mile between the first and last letters.
+Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?  A: He was looking for Pooh!
+Q: How is a joke like sex?  Q: Neither is any good if you don't get it.
+Q: Why did they have to bury George Washington standing up?  A: Because he could never lie.
+Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?  A: It went back for seconds.
+Q: What's the importance of punctuation?  A: You can either help your uncle, Jack, off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse.
+Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?  A: Doughnuts!
+Q: What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?  A: Your job still sucks!
+Q: Did you hear about the guy who drank eight Cokes?  A: He burped seven up.
+Q: What is crazy and walks along the sides of buildings?  A: A walnut!
+Q: What do you call a piece of cheese that isn't yours?  A: Nacho cheese!
+Q: What's the difference between a pygmy tribe and a high school girls track team?  A: The pygmy tribe is a bunch of cunning little runts.
+Q: What's the difference in a refrigerator and a gay man?  A: The refrigerator doesn't fart when the meat comes out.
+Q: How do you fit four gays on a barstool?  A: turn it upside down.
+Q: What do you call a gay cowboy?  A: A jolly rancher!
+Q: Why did the man take toilet paper to the party?  A: Because he was a party pooper!
+Q: What do get if you cross a snowman with a vampire?  A: Frostbite!
+Q: What's long and hard and has cum in it?  A: a cucumber.
+Q: What city are you in when you drop your waffle on the beach?  A: Sandy Eggo!
+Q: Why did the skeleton go to the funeral alone?  A: Because he couldn't find anybody to go with him.
+Q: Why did the condom fly across the room?  A: Because it was pissed off.
+Q: What do you call a wandering caveman?  A: A meanderthal!
+Q: What do you call a man that has no shins?  A: Tony!
+Q: What happens when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?  A: A minor B-flat!
+Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?  A: With a tuba glue!
+Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?  A: Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken!
+Q: Where do pencils come from?  A: Pencilvania.
+Q: Why did the kid throw butter out the window?  A: To see the butter fly!
+Q: What did the psychiatrist say to the naked man who burst into his office?  A: "Sir! I can clearly see your nuts"!
+Q: Why were the Indians here first?  A: They had reservations.
+Q: Where did the general keep his armies?  A: In his sleevies!
+Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?  A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
+Q: What does a pirate pay for his corn?  A: A buccaneer!
+Q: Why are pirates called pirates?  A: Because they arrr!
+Q: Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie?  A: Because it was rated arrr!
+Q: What's the biggest pencil in the world?  A: Pennsylvania.
+Q: Why did the boy go out with a prune?  A: Because he couldn't find a date.
+Q: What do you call a cake made out of hamburgers?  A: A patty cake!
+Q: What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?  A: A tear jerker!
+Q: What do you call a girl with one leg?  A: Eileen!
+Q: What do you call a noodle in disguise?  A: An impasta!
+Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?  A: Fo' drizzle!
+Q: What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?  A: I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.
+Q: How is sex like bungee jumping?  A: If the rubber breaks, you're screwed!
+Q: Why did the house go to the doctor?  A: It was having window panes.
+Q: What are the best kind of letters to read in hot weather?  A: Fan mail.
+Q: What do you get when you cross a poppy with electricity?  A: Flower power.
+Q: Why do men masturbate?  A: It's sex with someone they love.
+Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?  A: a $100 bill!
+Q: How do you kill a circus clown?  A: Go for the juggler!
+Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision?  A: a rip off!
+Q: What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?  A: At least a zit waits until you're a teenager before it cums on your face!
+Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde?  A: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!
+Q: What do you call an afghan virgin?  A: Mever bin laid on.
+Q: What's the difference between being hungry and horny?  A: Where you put the cucumber.
+Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?  A: Slow down! And possibly use a lubricant.
+Q: What did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line?  A: I'm the wiener!
+Q: Why do shoemakers go to heaven?  A: Because they have good soles.
+Q: Why do little melons have to have big weddings?  A: Because they cantelope.
+Confucius say, "Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
+Confucius say, "Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk."
+Confucius say, "Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse."
+Confucius say, "Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father."
+Confucius say, "Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night."
+Confucius say, "Man who run behind car get exhausted."
+Confucius say, "It take many nails to build crib but only one screw to fill it."
+Confucius say, "Man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs."
+Confucius say, "Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky finger."
+Confucius say, "Man who fart in church sit in own pew."
+Confucius say, "He who eats too many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."
+Confucius say, "Elevator smell different to a midget."
+Confucius say, "Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house."
+Confucius say too damn much.
+Confucius say, "Man who enter plain sideways going to Bangkok"
+Confucius say, "Man who stand on toilet get high on pot."
+Confucius say, "Man who try to out run car get tired."
+Confucius say, "Man who learn to masturbate come in handy."
+Confucius say, "Man with hand in pants feel cocky."
+Confucius say, "Wise man does not play leapfrog with unicorn."
+Confucius say, "Man who pee through screen strain himself."
+Confucius say, "Foolish man give wife grand piano for anaversary, wise man give her upright organ!"
+Confucius say, "Secratary not permanant fixture until screwed on desk."
+Confucius say, "Man with hole in pocket feel nuts."
+Confucius say, "Woman who fly upside down have hairy crack up."
+Confucius say, "Man who drinks to steady nerves, may find self too steady to move."
+Confucius say, "School boy who mess around with school girl in wrong period get caught red-handed."
+Confucius say, "Man who go to bed with hard problem wake up with solution in hand."
+Confucius say, "Bird born with no beak born to suck seed."
+Confucius say, "Panties not best thing on earth but next to it."
+Confucius say, "Meet girl in park good. Park meat in girl better!"
+Confucius say, "Virginity like bubble: one prick, all gone."
+Confucius say, "Eat crackers in bed, crummy night ahead."
+Confucius say, "Passionate kiss like spider web. It soon lead to the undoing of the fly."
+Confucius say, "Man stare at ass get crack in face."
+Confucius say, "He who eat jellybeans fart in Technicolor."
+Confucius say, "Woman sit on mans lap in car soon get hotrod."
+Confucius say, "Man who keep feet firmly planted on ground have trouble putting on pants."
+Confucius say, "Man who sits under tree is shady character."
+Confucius say, "Man with one chopstick go hungry."
+Confucius say, "He who drive like hell, likely to get there."
+Confucius say, "Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement."
+Confucius say, "Man who sit on tack get point."
+Confucius say, "Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion."
+Confucius say, "Man who only think of number one must remember that it is next to nothing."
+Confucius say, "Woman who put detergent on top shelf soon jump for Joy."
+Confucius say, "Man who sleep on bed of nails is holy man."
+Confucius say, "Get up on wrong side of bed lead to downfall."
+Confucius say, "Turn oriental around and he will become disorientated."
+Confucius say, "Find blind man on nude beach not hard."
+Confucius say, "Sex like basketball, man dribble before he shoot."
+Confucius say, "Man who sit on hot stove soon rise again."
+Confucius say, "Man who smoke pot choke on handle."
+Confucius say, "Man who wear short sleeve shirt support right to bare arms."
+Confucius say, "Man who wants to make headlines should sleep on corduroy pillow."
+Confucius say, "Naked man fear no pick pocket."
+Confucius say, "Streaker unsuited for his work."
+Confucius say, "To prevent hangover stay drunk."
+Confucius say, "Man who crack Confucius joke speak bad English."
+Confucius say, "Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self."
+Confucius say, "Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time."
+Confucius say, "Man sneeze without tissue take matter in own hands."
+Confucius say, "Man who take laxative and sleeping pill on same night wake up in deep shit."
+Confucius say, "A bird in hand make it hard to blow nose."
+Confucius say, "House without toilet is uncanny."
+Confucius say, "Man who scratch ass should not bite finger nails."
+Confucius say, "Man who cook carrots and peas in same pot very unhygienic."
+Confucius say, "Man who lay girl on hillside is not on the level."
+Confucius say, "Dumb man climb tree to get cherry. Wise man spread limbs."
+Confucius say, "Man who lay woman on ground get peace on earth."
+Confucius say, "Woman laid in tomb may become mummy."
+Confucius say, "Woman who slides down banister make monkey shine".
+Confucius say, "Girl who ride bicycle peddle ass all over town."
+Confucius say, "Girl sit on lap of colonel get honourable discharge."
+Confucius say, "Man kiss epileptic woman soon become tongue tied."
+Confucius say, "Man who cut self while shaving, lose face."
+Confucius say, "Man who put cream in tart not always baker."
+Confucius say, "Man who read woman like book prefer Braille."
+Confucius say, "Man who sleep like baby does not have one."
+Confucius say, "Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs."
+Confucius say, "Woman who wear g-string high on crack."
+Confucius say, "Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache."
+Confucius say, "Man like brick. If properly layed he will stay forever."
+Confucius say, "Man who beat meat no eat vegetable."
+Confucius say, "Man who use vinegger for enema make strange pickles."
+Confucius say, "woman who make love in treehouse put ass out on limb."
+Confucius say, "Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner."
+Confucius say, "All men eat, but Fu Manchu."
+Confucius say, "Man in bathroom with tool in hand is not necessarily a plumber."
+Confucius say, "Woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring      next spring."
+Confucius say, "A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird."
+Confucius say, "Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom."
+Confucius say, "Man who shoot blanks always miss mark."
+Confucius say, "Man who not poop for many days must take care of backlog."
+Confucius say, "With great power come great electricity bill."