30 lines
1.9 KiB
Bash
Executable File
30 lines
1.9 KiB
Bash
Executable File
#!/usr/bin/env bash
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[ -f functions.sh ] && source functions.sh
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advice=(
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'If love hurts, move slightly to the left.'
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"Keep smiling. It confuses the autopsy report."
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'When in doubt, mumble.'
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"Some people are like clouds, when they disappear it's a beautiful day."
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"Proof that light travels faster than sound? Some people appear bright until they speak."
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'He who smelt it delbt it.'
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'It is better to burp and taste it than to fart and waste it.'
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'If your girlfriend or spouse starts smoking, slow down a bit, and try a lubricant.'
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"Dogs have things figured out. If you can't eat it or fuck it, then piss on it and walk away."
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'Never sweat the petty stuff, but always pet the sweatty stuff.'
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'Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?'
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"It is better to be pissed off than pissed on."
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"It's called diet because all the other four letter words were taken."
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'Friends are like condoms, they protect you when things get hard.'
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'Friends are like butt cheeks, when shit separates them they always come back together.'
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"There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count, and those who can't"
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"There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don't"
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"Build a man a fire and he will stay warm for a little while. Set a man on fire and he will stay warm for the rest of his life!"
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"When decorating for Halloween, remember that plastic skeletons are bad for the environment; I recommend locally sourced all natural skeletons."
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"Alcohol doesn’t solve problems, but then again, neither does milk."
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"Always give 100 percent unless you’re donating blood."
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"Sometimes when one door closes, you realize you were never meant to leave the basement."
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"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
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"Never judge a man 'til you have walked a mile in his shoes. That way, if he turns out to be an ass hole you have his shoes and are a mile away.")
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msg "$2" "$1: $(shuf -n1 -e "${advice[@]}")"
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