#!/usr/bin/env bash
[ -f functions.sh ] && source functions.sh

advice=(
'If love hurts, move slightly to the left.'
"Keep smiling. It confuses the autopsy report."
'When in doubt, mumble.'
"Some people are like clouds, when they disappear it's a beautiful day."
"Proof that light travels faster than sound? Some people appear bright until they speak."
'He who smelt it delbt it.'
'It is better to burp and taste it than to fart and waste it.'
'If your girlfriend or spouse starts smoking, slow down a bit, and try a lubricant.'
"Dogs have things figured out. If you can't eat it or fuck it, then piss on it and walk away."
'Never sweat the petty stuff, but always pet the sweatty stuff.'
'Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?'
"It is better to be pissed off than pissed on."
"It's called diet because all the other four letter words were taken."
'Friends are like condoms, they protect you when things get hard.'
'Friends are like butt cheeks, when shit separates them they always come back together.'
"There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count, and those who can't"
"There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don't"
"Build a man a fire and he will stay warm for a little while. Set a man on fire and he will stay warm for the rest of his life!"
"When decorating for Halloween, remember that plastic skeletons are bad for the environment; I recommend locally sourced all natural skeletons."
"Alcohol doesn’t solve problems, but then again, neither does milk."
"Always give 100 percent unless you’re donating blood."
"Sometimes when one door closes, you realize you were never meant to leave the basement."
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
"Never judge a man 'til you have walked a mile in his shoes. That way, if he turns out to be an ass hole you have his shoes and are a mile away.")
msg "$2" "$1: $(shuf -n1 -e "${advice[@]}")"